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lonely nights.   
01:38am 12/08/2012
mood: restless
Its not being single that sucks. Not all the time. I have lots of friends, I have a healthy sex life. What really gets to me is sleeping alone. I hate it. I want someone to hold, another body laying next to me to cuddle up to. Someone to wrap up in my arms, and feel their heartbeat, try to match their breathing, the gentle caress of two people sharing an intimate moment as they pass from this reality to the next.

I wish I could find that. Tonight, as so often, I spent time with a couple friends. But at the end of the night, they went off together to cuddle, and I went to my room, alone. Its not that I begrudge them their intimacy. It simply reminds me very directly of how I long to have that intimacy myself, how much I wish I could find someone just to curl up next to and share my own moment of intimacy.

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

With that said, I end tonight with the lyrics of one of my favorite songs of all time, by the incredible and moving Tina Lear, songstress extraordinnaire.

The Road Home

there is a road that I know of
we're not meant to travel alone
take my hand and we'll make it
we'll make it all the way home

why are we locked in?
we work ourselves so thin.
why do we hide what lives deep inside
and never show where we've been?
in despair, I left my prayers
but now there's a voice in the wind

(it's saying to me)
there is a road that I know of
we're not meant to travel alone
take my hand and we'll make it
we'll make it all the way home

do you have a friendship
that's bleeding by the road?
do you know how to pull over now?
let your heart know what it knows
chances are you're not so far
from figuring out how it goes

(say to your friend)
there is a road that I know of
we're not meant to travel alone
take my hand and we'll make it
we'll make it all the way home

does a stranger need us?
is she bitter and cold?
her soul's wound up tight
she's tired of the fight
maybe she needs to be told

there is a road that I know of
we're not meant to travel alone
take my hand and we'll make it
we'll make it all the way home
take my hand and we'll make it
and maybe, we're already home

(yoda says Use the Force!)

swim this deep green sea.   
08:40pm 04/08/2012
mood: thoughtful
My ex, Brandon, and I, used to hold hands when we drove around in the car. It was something I would see my parents do when I was younger. My mom and dad always fought. Honestly, they should have never gotten together. But, good or bad, they did. And they were my parents. I hated my father, but I hated to see my parents fight more. And it was always nice that when they'd be in a car together, they'd always hold hands.

Its just something that clicked in my head as a moment where a couple, no matter what is happening, no matter how bad things are, can just remind each other that you ARE there for each other. That you still care, and support each other. It always stayed with me, since childhood.

It was one of the best parts of my relationship with Brandon, those tender moments when we showed that we cared for each other just by the simple act of holding each other's hands. And its one of the things I miss most about being with someone.

A very dear friend reminded me the other night that I am worthy of great love, even if I haven't found it. It was exactly what I needed to hear at the moment, and I'm trying to make sure I never forget it.

(yoda says Use the Force!)

09:58pm 24/10/2010
  I was watching Superman 4, The Quest for Peace(aka the one with Nuclear Man) tonight on Netflix for a lark, and I saw Superman throw a bone(r) on screen!

Follow me to see the naughty Superection!Collapse )

(1 jedi | yoda says Use the Force!)

little blessings.   
06:10pm 30/07/2010
  I've decided for my own sanity, maybe I'd start writing a little bit more often in my journal.

I have a little thank you due to the Universe today.

I have been a bit worried about my health lately. I recently had some pretty rough back pains and after 4 days of no relief, I went to the doctor. They confirmed that it was simply a distressed muscle issue, and there were no serious problems. They prescribed something for the pain, and a muscle relaxer, but I never bothered filling either. I don't always like using pain killers. Basically, I just continued to try to take very tender care of my back, and the pain receded after a couple more days.

The larger issue that day became my weight. I stepped on the scale, and hit 498 pounds. Ouch. I don't usually tell people my weight, cuz really, whats in a number? But to be honest, I've never weighed this much. That was easily a 60 increase in the last six months. It was scary.

In all honesty, this last 6 months I have been out of work, and just not very active. When its cold and wet outside, I have a tendency to hibernate. But I wasn't even getting the benefit of being up and about all day at work... So the weight increase isn't exactly a surprise, but it was an effective shock. Since then, I've been trying to be very diligent about changing the way I look at food, my own eating habits, and exercise. I also started seeing a doctor. They did a bunch of blood work last week to see what's up with my body these days.

Well, I am happy and a bit surprised to report that I'm reasonably healthy. My biggest worries would be diabetes, hiv, dangerously high blood pressure and cholesterol. And I clean-swept all of them. Blessed Gods, thank you for that. My BP and my cholesterol levels are only a little high, nothing that I don't have every opportunity to keep down if I keep eating smarter, and taking care of my body. HIV-, and some reasonably healthy blood-sugar levels. And diabetes, I'm in early pre-stages, but again, at levels that, if I keep with a healthier mindset, I can control it and be safe from that particular way to go.

It really has been a little scary for me, with the sad passing of Davied, Joe Jo and Chris so recently. Death has been on my mind. And I'm not ready to move on yet. I'd like to be here for a little while. There are still sad people out there who need a smile, and I would like to continue in my mission to make the world a little happier before I leave.

So, the starting point is always the Self, right? I really want do dedicate myself TO myself, and treat myself with the same kind of love and healthy living I want to give all those others I want to help.

*sigh* Just breathe.

(3 jedis | yoda says Use the Force!)

I hear violins   
01:43am 27/07/2010
  Dear Livejournal,

Its been so long since I've updated with anything important. But, I suppose, this is one of those times that I need to get something out.

On Saturday, my friends and I lost our dear friend, Joe Jo Wilson. He was fighting a fungal infection in his brain. He started getting terrible headaches, and sadly lost his fight within maybe two weeks of the symptoms showing up.

Joe Jo and I have known each other for roughly 11 years. The first time I saw him, we were both at Volunteer Park. I believe it was summertime, because it was late, and dark, and I don't remember it being cold. He showed up while I was there, and got out of his black Baretta, which would eventually become famous amongst our friends. Well, when it ran.

The moment I laid eyes on Joe Jo, I knew that he was something important. It was like love at first sight, but it seemed more than simply thinking he was sexy, which, of course, I did. Instantly, it was like I knew him, had always known him.

If he were here today, this is how HE would describe meeting me. "Jesse walked up to me, threw me against my car, and said... "You're a Pisces, aren't you?" To which I replied, "Actually, yes. I am." and he said, "I knew it! You're a fucking Pisces. I fucking knew it."

We were LIKE THAT since that moment. There was something about Joe Jo. He was beautiful, twisted, and best of all, he loved dorky things. We would drive around in his car for hours, listening to 80's cartoon theme songs. He had all of them. His techno mix of Gummi Bears made me so happy.

Some favorite memories of Joe Jo:

Sunday Book Club, where Joe Jo, Patrick and I would lay around on my bed on a hot afternoon, with the window open, and read books, and occasionally sit up and tell the other two about a particularly awesome, or funny moment.

At Rplace, one night, Joe Jo had just gotten back from the bathroom, and I put my hand down his pants to cop a feel. Nothing new if you know me, I do that all the time. Usually Joe Jo stops me, and we laugh. Its what we do. Well, he didn't stop me that night. I got a good, strong grasp of joejo cawk, and ended up with a wet hand. I was like, "Oh dude! Is that pee?" Oh yes. Joe Jo had just given my hand it's first Golden Shower.

After the Red Bull Underwear Party (Mach II), at the wee hours of the morning, Joe Jo and I were rolling and the only ones in the whole huge house still awake. We sat in rocking chairs, high as balls, and came up with our own version of the Transformers. Starting with Fagatron and Bumblebitch. I still have the list we made. It's in Joe Jo's handwriting.

Riding home from a party on the Eastside, Patrick, Joe Jo, Jamie and I started singing the Big Red themesong. Somehow, all of a sudden, we erupted in the most perfect 4 part harmony EVAR! It was brilliant, on key, and in perfect sync. No, really, it really was! Thats right, bitches. We rule.

Someone came over to Patrick and I's apartment, and I introduced them to Patrick. Joe jo was, for some reason, hiding under the blankets on the guest bed in the living room... So I said to the guest, "And this creature who lies beneath is known as THE BEAST!" Forever nicknaming him Beast. Or Ho Ho Beastie, if we were being silly. And we were.

In the very tiny corner of the living room that was my "bedroom" at the Denny and Broadway apartment, there was like, 8 people all crammed in on my bed, laughing and having a good time. We suggested some group poetry, which Joe Jo, Patrick, Waylon and I do all the time. During the poem, Joe Jo was sitting in my lap, and I had a hard on. He knew it. I knew it. But it was not because Joe Jo was sitting in my lap, it was the dude that I was currently crushing on, who was sitting pressed up next to me. And so my part of the poem included the line, "With a beautiful boy sitting in my lap, who is not, in fact, the reason for my throbbing erection". Just had to let my buddy Joe know that there was no awkward issues between us... aside from the fact that he WAS sitting on my boner.

My favorite Vantage trip was the year that Patrick and I drove his parents Mini-van, and took Joe Jo and our other friend Joseph along with us, with my Drag Mama Jeremy, following us in his car behind. Patrick and I had a drag show at CWU that day, and then we'd go out to Vantage for the rest of the camping weekend. We performed, and drove to my cousin Danell's to wash off our make up, and have a little dinner. I threw my fake boobies on the dashboard, for no particular reason. It was then that our dear Joe Jo realized that the Scissor Sisters had gotten it wrong all this time. There WERE, in fact, Tits on the Radio.

At the Oracle Gathering weekend long Summer Solstice festival outside of Bellingham, Joe Jo and I decided to partake in thc-laden brownies. Joe Jo, however, rarely had pot. He couldn't deal with the high it gave him, and ended up having me hold him all night in our little pup-tent, to make sure he didn't disappear, or something ridiculous like that.

Joe Jo wanted to do drag. Someone who didn't know what they were doing had put some makeup on him, and I took one look at it and said, "oh no, Mama isn't lettin her baby go out like this." I changed a few things up, and gave him a wicked look. He told me he wanted to look androgynous and evil. I painted him up to his delight, and named him Lil' Vicious. From then on, I did his makeup for years, until that little hooker finally sacked up and did it his DAMNED self. And, of course, he looked amazing.

After a big Pride Party at Brittin's, I was walking home WASTED. Oh god, I was SOOOOOO drunk. And I called Joe Jo. But he didn't answer. And then I proceeded to leave the MOST STUPIDEST drunk voice mail ever. It was obscene in its stupidity. How do I know? He saved it, and played it for EVERYONE. Constantly. All of our friends heard me at my most ridiculous. Touche, friend..

One night Mama Kyle, Joe Jo, and Joseph came over to Patrick and I's place, and we all cuddled up on my bed all night, watching stupid movies and passing out in each others arms/legs/other. Yeah, cuddle puddles happened all the time. But that one was special.

There's 11 years worth of more memories. I could never write even a one-hundredth of the crazy shit we've done. But there's one more I'd like to share. Its my most recent memory of Joe Jo. Patrick and I were performing for our friend, Danl's college gay group drag show, and Joe Jo was the Queens' Chauffeur that evening. On the way there, I played a video from Youtube of an a capella song. It was a funny piece with Star Wars-oriented lyrics, and put to the music of John Williams.(Look up "John Williams is the Man Star Wars" on Youtube, its awesome!) Patrick didn't know the song... But Joe Jo did! Of course he did. And once again, we broke out into song, singing along to the video, and taking different harmony parts. Man, I loved singing with Joe Jo.

That last story is basically the last time I saw Joe Jo. I did catch up with him at Pride, but it was just a hello and a hug, as I passed by in the Parade. It is so weird to think that I won't see him again. I have had people close to me die. But with Joe Jo, he's more than just one of my best and closest friends. He was a part of my soul, my timeless being. And its going to be very hard to not have him here on Earth, to share my life with.

But in the end, I know that I continue to share my everything with him. And on another plane of existance, I shall once again meet him. He was always more than just a regular human being. He was one of those people who touched the World at its metaphysical center, and lived to tell about it. And boy, did that kid live. He died young, but he lived twice as much life as he did years. He was always there, always off to the side, instigating and perpetuating. Conjuring and contemplating.

I see him, in my mind's eye. He is more beautiful than he has ever been. And he's happy.

Do not rest in peace, old friend. I know you too well. Peace would bore you. Rather... give them HELL, Beast.

I will miss you so very very much. Love and Light, Brother.

(4 jedis | yoda says Use the Force!)

01:47am 06/07/2010

Originally uploaded by single1x1
loves that boy.

(yoda says Use the Force!)

01:46am 06/07/2010

Originally uploaded by single1x1
Sr. Cass found Casey's... well.. yeah.

(yoda says Use the Force!)

Sister to sister   
01:45am 06/07/2010

Originally uploaded by single1x1
Sister Cass and Sanjaya Malakar... we're like THAT. clearly.

(yoda says Use the Force!)

you know the meek are gonna get whats coming to them...   
04:15pm 06/04/2010
  Do you use Grindr? Do you even know what it is? For the uninitiated, its basically a manhunt-esque app for iphone.

I like it. Mostly because of sexy pictures, and its GPS-based, so you can see who's around. But, as with all hookup sites, it never goes anywhere past looking at pictures for me. Whatever, its free and it makes me laugh.

The point is that nobody EVER responds to my profile. Or, for that matter, when I directly message them. Which is fine. I have no expectations. But last week I changed the verbage in my profile to simply recite two song lyrics

"They say the meek shall inherit, you know the book doesn't lie.
Its not a question of merit, its not demand and supply."

Its from Little Shop of Horrors. And in one week, I've had two strangers send me messages purely because they were entertained by my profile. Frankly, I'm surprised! I feel like, for musicals, LSOH is a little bit obscure.

The moral of this story is simple. Musical Theater brings all gays together. YAY

(2 jedis | yoda says Use the Force!)

The Undiscovered Country   
04:16am 03/02/2010

Originally uploaded by 0bpm

On Monday, January 25th, we lost our dear friend, Christopher Carpenter. With an extroverted carefree way of life, Chris brought together people from all walks. His friends will never forget his zest for life, and his joy in splendor and spectacle.

In honor of our friend's passing, we invite any and all to share with us an evening of remembrance, respect, and most of all, celebration of his life. We will gather at Cal Anderson Park on Saturday at 6pm, February 6th, 2010, dressed in our finest and most outlandish attire. Our gothiest gothic, our raviest rave and our dragiest drag. Chris loved larger than life style and fashion, and we know he would expect nothing less than a fabulous affair in his name.

We shall pay our respects, share our stories, some tears, and perhaps even some laughter. At around 7pm, we will begin a pub crawl at CC Attles, on 15th and Madison, for those interested in sharing a drink, and maybe some more laughter. We shall make our way down the Pike/Pine corridor, and end our walking wake at Rebar.

Please join us in this celebration of our memories and love for our departed friend. All are welcome.

Also, in lieu of flowers or memorial gifts, we'd like people to consider donating to the Capitol Hill Alano Club, a non-profit organization that is dedicated to providing a safe and comfortable meeting place for members of the LGBT community in recovery. They can be found on the web at capitolhillalanoclub.org.

(yoda says Use the Force!)

Red Dress Party   
10:38pm 26/11/2009

Originally uploaded by fuqncheshire
taken at Seattle's 2nd Annual Red Dress Party. check out all the pictures I took that night, http://www.flickr.com/photos/fuqncheshire

(1 jedi | yoda says Use the Force!)

V, the original   
03:49am 10/11/2009
  here's the Original V, on youtube, if anyone is interested.


(1 jedi | yoda says Use the Force!)

Posted using TxtLJ   
09:09pm 15/10/2009
  Note to self: call michael re: roommate interview monday  

(yoda says Use the Force!)

more gratuitous underaged hotness.   
09:39am 14/10/2009


(2 jedis | yoda says Use the Force!)

01:09pm 13/10/2009

I peed!

(yoda says Use the Force!)

Sister and her Mama   
02:18pm 12/10/2009

Sister and her Mama
Originally uploaded by fuqncheshire
dats my white mama! Vannessa, make sure that bitch sees this!

(1 jedi | yoda says Use the Force!)

Sr Cass and Evan   
11:59am 12/10/2009

Sr Cass and Evan
Originally uploaded by fuqncheshire
i love this picture! and evan = sexy! in his cute little naughty dress and fishnets

(yoda says Use the Force!)

the sweet one, the smart one...   
11:37am 12/10/2009
  and then there's the ho! Sr. Stella Standing, Eva Androgeny, Sr. Castaspella New workin it at Trannyshack Seattle!

(yoda says Use the Force!)

Posted using TxtLJ   
03:56pm 11/10/2009
  Also, email edith re: mister sister  

(yoda says Use the Force!)

Posted using TxtLJ   
03:49pm 11/10/2009
  Scratch that, email peter re: halloween  

(yoda says Use the Force!)